Perfection
Perfectionism contributes to intolerance and judgmentalism and makes ordinary love largely impossible. Richard Rohr
Gregg’s Reflection
I was researching perfection and found an article that said this: “God's definition of perfection is to fulfill the law, which is to be holy, righteous, and sinless.” Well, I have yet to find a way to do all that.
As a structural consultant, most of the structures I see are really sin structures, because people are trying to work their way to worthiness, to please God in their own strength. The structures rest on the lie that we could actually do that. Here’s an illustration that helps show this:
God first extended Grace to us, sending Jesus to show us the ‘Way, the Truth, and the Light.’ We are invited to find our Identity in Jesus as a child of God. We then turn out of gratitude for what God has done to Submission and Surrender, and move towards Obedience. All of this movement is enabled and empowered by Grace. In our move to Obedience, we begin to live into the Law. If you follow the arrows, you will see Grace takes us around the triangle and home to God.
In our structures, we believe the lie that it is our job to make God smile, that it’s not just possible, but our obligation. The Evil One just needs to twist one wire in our subconscious, and we fall into the lie of Works Righteousness. In this illustration, we try to be Obedient in our own strength (never worked for me), but that would require that we reverse the flow of Grace. If I could be Obedient enough to please God, then God would owe me.
I grew up the son of a perfectionist, and believing I was Not Good Enough. My own experience showed me there was no pleasing a perfectionist. In my own life, I drove many in our organization to help me prove myself. Looking back, I can see how that creates a toxic work environment.
The definition of Perfectionism, from Oxford Languages:
- refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.
- PHILOSOPHY doctrine holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable, especially the theory that human moral or spiritual perfection should be or has been attained.
For nearly 50 years I was driven to prove the idea of Not Good Enough wrong. The trouble is, no degree of success was enough to quench this need. During that time, I lived in a worldview of obligation, and not freedom. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had not done enough to please God, and I feared the consequences.
Even though I was baptized into a Lutheran Theology that eschewed Works Righteousness, beneath the surface was an operating system that tried to prove myself worthy. I haven’t done a single structure session with a Pastor that did not reveal similar crossed wires operating.
Hear how the National Institute for the Application or Behavioral Medicine describes the challenge of perfectionism. Quoting from their website:
How to Work with the Fear, Pain, and Shame That’s Imprisoning Your Client in Perfectionism
Perfectionism can keep a client stuck in a pervasive anxiety.
Problem is, perfectionism can look like a good thing to the client – on the surface anyway. It often provides them with success, approval, and sometimes even a sense of mastery.
But it’s also grooving their brain into rigid black-and-white thinking. Not only that, it can lead to depression, paralyze their ability to make choices, and poison their most loving relationships.
Eventually, they’re left dealing with chronic stress, a loss of connection, and a nervous system that can’t come down off the ledge.
There is a path beyond perfectionism. There is a life of freedom from obligation, a life of abundance rather than scarcity. We can choose an obligation, say marriage vows, or membership responsibilities in an organization or a church. Nothing unhealthy about that. But, when we live in a worldview of obligation, we feel we don’t have the right to choose. My spiritual Director, Mark Ritchie, says of God, “Perfect love requires perfect freedom.”
Find my audio introduction here:
Journaling Prompts
In what ways do you feel the obligation of perfection? How have perfectionists in your family damaged relationships? How might you help those you know who live in the guilt and shame of perfectionism?
Scripture
He is the rock, his words are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
Deuteronomy 32:4
Indeed there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins.
Ecclesiastes 7:20
As for God, his way is perfect, The Lord’s word is flawless. He shields all who take refuge in him.
Psalm 18:30
The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the should. The statues of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
Psalm 19:7
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10
Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5:48
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
Jesus told him, If you want to be perfect, go sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven, then come follow me.
Matthew 19:21
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
Romans 7:15
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
For the law made nothing perfect and a better hope is introduced by which we draw near to God.
Hebrews 7:19
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
1 John 1:8
Ancient Writings
True perfection seems imperfect,
yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty,
yet it is fully present.
True straightness seems crooked.
True wisdom seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way
and lets the Tao speak for itself.
Laozi
Perfection is the willingness to be imperfect.
Modern Writings
I have come to realize it is not our many imperfections that are the problem, but, rather, our ideas of perfection. It’s not what people think about us that creates suffering but our judgment that there is something wrong with and bad about ourselves.
Mirabai Starr, Wild Mercy, p. 72
Perfectionism contributes to intolerance and judgmentalism and makes ordinary love largely impossible.
Richard Rohr, CAC Morning Devotion, 7/12/23
The path of union is different from the path of perfection. Perfection gives the impression that, by effort or more knowing, I can achieve wholeness separate from God, from anyone else, or from connection to the Whole. It appeals to our individualism and our ego. “Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt 5:48). This message tells us we can achieve heaven in a most hellish way. Many give up on the spiritual life when they see they cannot be perfect. Mysticism does not defeat the soul; moralism always does. Mysticism invites humanity forward; moralism (read “perfectionism”) excludes and condemns itself and most others.
Richard Rohr, Yes, and, p. 368
Evil is our inability to ever be perfect, pure, and deathless.
Richard Rohr, What Will We Do with Evil? p. 27
Paul recognized our inability to ever be totally perfect and above criticism, despite observance of the laws and rituals of religion (Romans 7:1–13; Galatians 3:1–29). He saw where preoccupation with the law had led him and his fellow Pharisees (Philippians 3:6–7): It made him self-righteous and even violent. He recognizes that this very fervor led him to extreme and self-justified violence.
Richard Rohr, What Will We Do with Evil? p. 33
Paul makes a preemptive leap into the safety of Divine vulnerability, the powerlessness of nonviolence, and the shame of identification with the losers—where the ego cannot hide. He believes this is the marrow of the Gospel that Jesus lived out in his lifetime. “When I am weak, I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10) seems to be his motto.
Richard Rohr, What Will We Do with Evil? p. 34
Divine perfection is God’s ability to include, forgive, and even make use of all imperfection.
Richard Rohr, What Will We Do with Evil? p. 82
Perfectionists relentlessly pursue flawlessness, holding themselves to excessively high standards and fearing negative judgment from others. Therefore, they are overly self-critical.
Often, individuals perceive their perfectionism as a commendable trait or a shield against the fear of failure, inadvertently hindering progress on tasks they once intended to complete, be it something planned days or even years ago.
As a result, their goals become an excuse for not taking necessary actions, ultimately leading to stagnation, with their aspirations buried beneath the weight of unrealized potential.
Here are three ways to reflect on your identity and begin to shift your beliefs:
Find the roots. Pause to contemplate the origins of your expectation for perfection. It may have been shaped by how love and approval were expressed in your upbringing, possibly causing you to internalize this expectation. Explore why the need for perfection is so deeply ingrained in you and remain open to the possibility of discovering a more authentic perspective through introspection. Seeking assistance from a therapist or mental health professional can be immensely beneficial in uncovering and addressing the underlying causes behind your perfectionist-procrastinator tendencies. Psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been proven techniques for eradicating perfectionism-related concerns in individuals.
Seek feedback. Try to see yourself as others do. People often judge themselves more harshly than they judge others. Perhaps your work is indeed significant, meeting high standards, yet you fail to acknowledge your achievements. There’s no merit in chastising yourself for work that others consider excellent. Seek second opinions from trusted advisors; their feedback can be your anchor.
Progress over perfection. While pushing boundaries is essential, not letting your inner critic sway you is vital. Rather than dwelling on past standards, focus on continuous improvement. Avoid tethering yourself to unrealistic ideals; instead, strive for growth and advancement. Shift your focus from seeking perfection in the initial attempt to valuing incremental progress. Recognize that each effort and every addition matters, and each mistake brings you closer to improvement.
Regardless of the origins of the “not good enough” sentiment within you, it’s crucial to understand that achieving the best is not a one-time endeavor. While this concept may be simple to grasp in theory, embracing it and integrating it into your being can be challenging.
Mark Travers, A Psychologist Explains How To Beat ‘Perfectionism-Procrastination